Every Yogurt Commercial

I’ve been watching more TV lately and have subjected myself to more advertising as a result. Commercials are very formulaic; I understand why, but I can’t help but get annoyed when I start to notice patterns. For example, every yogurt commercial has been the exact same since 2006. They always start out with some woman walking around her house in a bathrobe with some sort of afterglow, like she’s just had a great shower or she’s in a cult. 

Or both, I guess.

Anyways, she’s really into that yogurt. With every bite, she tilts her head and smiles like she’s about to put this very moment on her Instagram story. That’s all fair; I think you should make the best of the three spoonfuls of yogurt you get from a container before you have to start scraping the curdled remains off the sides in desperation. 

At some point, Jamie Lee Curtis always shows up, because she’s in every yogurt commercial, regardless of brand. The woman in the bathrobe never seems too surprised that Jamie Lee Curtis is there, but you can definitely feel that uninvited tension in the air. She's nervous. In the commercials where she’s being paid to speak, she’ll start speaking in a raspy voice that bounces eerily off every wall in your home, like the basilisk in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets.

“Ah, yes. The yogurt,” she says with no emotion right before rolling her eyes into the back of her head and letting out a guttural scream. She then grabs the woman, yogurt and all, with her large, demonic tendrils, unhinges her jaw, and swallows her whole. After she’s finished the feeding process, she looks directly into the camera. If you can avoid the eye contact she appears to be making with you alone, you’ll notice her newly-engorged stomach pulsing; it pulses violently at first and then softly as the victim begins to lose stamina and their brain starts secreting the feel-good chemicals that allow them to accept this harsh fate. This process takes several minutes and as you’ve been watching in disgust and horror, Jamie has never broken her eye contact with the camera, not even to blink.

You return your gaze back to her eyes and feel a jolt as your eyes meet. She’s gazing into your soul, not only in this moment, but in every moment of your life to date. Every birthday, every heartache, every time you reached a milestone in life through sheer determination; Jamie has been watching. After what feels like an eternity of Jamie Lee Curtis watching you learn how to walk or fail a math test, the room she’s in starts to rumble. A black mist swirls up around her feet and she begins to slowly descend into what was once the ground beneath her. Still looking at you, her cracked and bloody lips break into a wry smile, and right before her head finishes the descent into the abyss that her feet started, she speaks directly to the camera. Directly to you. What she says will haunt you for the rest of your days:

“Eating yogurt daily will help you stay regular.”